So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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