I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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