can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
