I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
