Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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