The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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