whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
