Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize