so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
