I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Randomize
