a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
