I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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