Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
