he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to calm my uterus...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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