Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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