how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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