who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
wanna go halves on a baby?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
