I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
