I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Randomize
