using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize