Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
