ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
