I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
