I should be sponsored by Trojan
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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