Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
