I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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