I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
