Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize