I got chris browned last night
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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