I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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