why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
