We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
