God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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