I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
