Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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