Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
