Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
