Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
