Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
