are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
