i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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