just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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