kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
