I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize