My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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