mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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