i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
