I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
