U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
