Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
