I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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