I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
