For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
