Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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