i already hear my dad disowning me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
