I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
