I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
