What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize